So are my awkwardness, indecisiveness, stubbornness, closed-mouth-edness, and all the other questionable traits all a reflection of something awry, or something good and possessing of integrity? Is life supposed to be easy and smooth and overtly fulfilling, or is it the struggle that signifies a right path? If I am uncomfortable with much of the expected behavior and status quo, what does that mean exactly? Could it be that I have an inner wisdom that is higher than society's? Higher than the societal norm? Maybe a bit like a Buddha. At least, this is the proposition for the evening.

It's all in my head. It's all in my head. They're all in my head. Now who they are exactly is something of a question mark.

There are a lot of them. They are hard to discern, so it often sounds like one loud voice. But it makes more sense that it is a combined effort. It's interesting, because I give people a pass, assuming there's no bad intention. They didn't intend to become a nightmarish mantra in my head. So that absolves them. Not that I'm really interested in blaming anyone. But fact from fiction is important here. One must accurately identify the culprits in the course of history, regardless of intention. You can only surmise intention. Even the party in question may not know their own intent. Intent comes partly from the gut, rather than the mind.

There are those who have inadvertently or purposefully drilled their poison into my brain and soul. That is the situation, and I am left here to pick up the pieces and put myself back together. I must retrieve my shattered soul from it's little corner where it likes to hide from the nasties. It must supplant all the chaos and hopelessness. It's kind of like the Tao Te Ching, right? The strongest force is watery. The quiet, flowing true soul (the Way) has the capacity to erode any behemoths. Love is akin to this, too. If I were more in touch with my loving self over the years, I could have had some protection from those nasties.

The human heart seeks expression. But it seems that some of the most beautiful forms of such demand significant limits. I think that I want endlessness and unbridled-ness. And I do. But there must be the yin to accommodate the yang. Otherwise you fall off the deep end and you lose exactly that destination, that telos you most want to savor.

The need for constraint comes more naturally for some than others. You are naturally drawn to those who personify contrasting qualities. It is the painful truth of yin and yang. It is the irony which flies below the radar oftentimes.

Driven to distraction. There's a funny expression. Maybe I should research its derivation. It might have something to do with the alliteration. It seems to presume that one's natural state is non-distraction, which one leaves after some unpleasantries. I suppose it can happen that way. But I think life goes more frequently in the opposite direction. You reach the end of your distracted rope, thereby having no alternative but to find some kind of peace of mind and soul.

Or maybe distraction is considered a good thing in our society, and in this statement. You are driven there due to the evilness of boredom and peacefulness. Non-action is a risky thing.

There's a fine line between doing things as an act of expression or a means of distraction. It's easiest not to even know that there's a difference. I think this non-awareness leads naturally to mindlessness and boredom. But if you are more attentive to your environment, you'll find you do have a choice. A choice between doing things just for the sake of doing them, or engaging in an act of creation.

So who out there can handle real life? I want what you have. I strive to be near people who appear to handle it. It calms me. Too bad it's nothing but a temporary balm.

I try to keep things on an even keel. I try to stay free from vices. I try to be wise in my decision-making. I try to learn from my mistakes. I seek out wisdom from those who seem to possess it.

It is my instability and my neediness which are the problems. But why do I feel like they are a natural reaction to the world around me? I have never blamed my sensitiveness for my problems, because I only see it as an asset. I would like to retain that supposition.

That leaves something else as the culprit. Is it society? Yes. Is it my history? Yes. Is it karma from previous existences? Perhaps. Is it my lack of judgment? No, I do not want to blame that. I don't think blaming a part of myself is helpful or deeply true. Hating myself is a reaction to something else that is going on, not a cause.

I used to like to say that the only place I felt right was onstage during a performance. That realization came later on, in college. Before then I didn't even comprehend the ridiculousness of my emotional situation. I can handle the unhandlable much better than normalcy. It's ludicrous. Or is it? Is what people call normal life really so straightforward and simple? And is getting up in front of hundreds or thousands of people to perform and express something unique so daunting? What if that's the only time you feel like you are yourself? Like you are unencumbered and free. Why is it I feel that time stops when I am performing, but the rest of the time, time is a weight on my head, taunting me not to fuck up this minute, this second, this year, this life, not to make the same mistakes I've made innumerable times before, ones that cause me to not sleep most of a night, or regret what I've said or didn't say, or wonder what in the world I've been doing for the last three hours.