I have written many journal entries recently, on paper. I didn't feel anybody needed to see them. It's not like some instances when I feel the issues are too personal. It's more a question of sharing. There's a side of me that just really sucks at opening up. Maybe some would wonder if there is another side at all. It is possible for me to be extraordinarily open. When I feel that way, I still have a glimmer of the closed, private side in my field of perception. Likewise when I'm feeling pent up - I know there's the other half waiting for its chance to shine through. But these appear to be equally true, valid halves of the whole. I can't just eschew one of them on a whim. Man, I wish I could sometimes. I want them to be friends, partners, gracefully navigating through daily events and interactions, but particularly internal swings. External events are much less reliable and critical than the odd, uncharted biological hills and valleys which sear through us hour to hour. It's quite a trick knowing when our mind, heart or body will summon up sensations which we then need to live out in some way. I am sure these are not accidental nor incidental; they have little to do with what goes on around us.

I just noticed that I was about to repeat myself here. Imagine that. I suppose I might be able to work out some of my patterned behavior if I dissect this blog a bit. If I were to figure out what my patterns were, would that be of some help for me, or am I really unchangeable deep down? Do you try to accept who you are and make your life fit around you, or do you try to accomplish certain things in life and work to fitting your personal tendencies better? Is pain or pleasure better at urging you to change? I think pleasure and comfort actually tend to pull me back to earlier patterns, whereas discomfort and sorrow require some new action be taken.

What I was wondering is, are there long-range patterns which I could decipher? I think today is a new day, but is it? Maybe today is the 4th day of a bi-weekly pattern which I just haven't figured out yet. Perhaps knowing that would give me the opportunity to observe this ebb and flow of my moods and habits. If I can observe, then I can see which things are serving me well and which are ridiculously useless. Maybe I can plan out a new map for how I will manage the natural shapes of my cycles.

It goes way back. All the way to the beginning. But that's not what I'd like to think. I keep thinking there are new signposts all along the way. But what about Buddhism? That blames life itself for your woes. Once you're born you're in for it. Maybe that's like original sin.

The important thing is to get a little perspective on the matter. To get an overview. There are deeper things than what Hollywood would like you to think make or break a life. Not that it's really Hollywood's fault. It's a natural mistake. You look to the people closest to you and closest to the present moment for some sense of reality. Why would something that happened more than 30 years ago be more relevant? We forget that we were once something other than an assortment of quirks. We were all possibilities. Life oddly brainwashes you. But the real you is not brainwashed. The real you is free and easy. Malleable. Observant. Non-reactive. We just forgot.