No, no, no. I feel the need to rebel. It is not such an easy act for me, as it seems for others. To put my foot down. Either in a defiant posture or in true passion for something. I tend to hold it in, letting it out in fits and starts when the opportunity arises. I need to make more opportunities for myself. Then it might not be such an exercise in keeping the horses gated in when it comes to my heart and imagination. Let the air out of the balloon, slowly but surely.

It's interesting to find the myriad ways of doing this. It has been one of the most personal quests I have ever undertaken. This is something few talk about, at least in my circles. People are a tad surprised about this blog, for instance. They didn't know I had it in me, or had an urge to express it like so. It is rather a natural act for me to write this. It's my exhibitionistic journal, you know. I would not have been able to foresee the usefulness and serenity this brings me at times. And that is true for many things I have dabbled in. I have to leave myself open to trying things which may seem to contrast with other aspects of my life. The greater risk seems to be too much closed-off-ed-ness, so it's safe for me to keep my options open.

There's also a temporal side to the experimentation. Knowing how long and how often to stay in a situation or a feeling is equally important to the acts themselves. Time can be your friend or your enemy.

Left to my own devices... Why must that be such an imbalanced state? Can't I just be left alone once in a while? Must I always feel I am teetering on the precipice of making all the worst choices for myself if I have no one to lean up against and be guided by? I am noticing just how emotional it all is, not sufficiently logical or intellectual. I am not really an idiot. I know reasonably well how to be a functioning member of society and how not to be an assortment of self-destructive behaviors. I am just way too infantile in my reactiveness.

Oh, no! I have once again been abandoned! I will wither away and die! Where is my mother's breast to suckle on? What will provide some modicum of comfort in this total void in which I find myself? Isn't there one person who loves me in all of this world?

It is great when you find rapport and solidarity with those whom you spend time with. It is crucial to have that give and take, that pushing and pulling of personalities and passions. I think I might also need to acquire that in my solitary life. In other words, there is no such thing as unadulterated solitude. There always need be a flow, an awareness and participation in the yin and yang, the attraction and repulsion, the artist and the scientist, the cleanliness and the disarray, the mob and the hermit, between yourself and the surrounding community. Maybe my own devices are not as much my own as I originally thought.

Perhaps the difference between an infant and myself is the capacity for creative spark. I do not need to rely on someone else to make known my innate contributions to the universe. I do not need to wait until someone translates my feelings in order to compare and contrast them with those around me, eventually collaborating with my brothers and sisters of humanity. I am my own flower, capable of however much blooming I opt for at the moment.

Geographical fix. It's fairly ridiculous to think of how much of my life depends on geography. Of course I'm not exclusively talking about my exterior life. My inner moods and reactions are deceptively connected to my surroundings and my proximity to the people who fill up my past and present (and future, even if only in fantasies). It's also hard to keep track of the morphing that takes place when I travel. Sometimes I travel to visit one person, or to distance myself from another, but it's easy to overshoot your target and end up too close or too far away from the persons in question.

I can also be duped (upended) when I travel for business or tourist reasons. A particular environment or city can bring up feelings and recollections that end up affecting my dreams and bent. There's that old cliche, no matter where you go, there you are. That's what's so deceptive about geographical fixes. Your intertwined souls have their own needs and reasons, regardless of surroundings.